Monday, September 26, 2011

flotsam and jetsam

I want to leave, she said.
Leave as in leave me, he asked ?
Yes, she said. I want to leave you.
Isn't it a bit sudden ?
Not really. It has been on my mind for a while.
Then why didn't you say something before ?
I didn't because I didn't know why I was unhappy.
So tell me, why are you unhappy ?
I feel like a dog leashed to a doorjamb.
Explain please. 
You have seen how Mocha behaves when we leash her. For the first few seconds, she is exploring, then she is preoccupied, then she gets bored, finally she  flops down with frustration.
The point being ?
Do you remember how she expresses all of this ?  She barks, whimpers, growls, she goes around in circles, she tugs at her leash, she jumps at us, she even argues with us.
Go on.
I think I know exactly how she feels. The leash and the doorjamb limit her world.
Are you saying you don't have enough freedom in our relationship ?
No, that is not what I am saying.
Then what are you saying ?
That I like the comfort of familiarity, but am bored with the sameness.
So you want a new leash, a new doorjamb ?
Maybe. Maybe not.
And what happens when you again like the comfort of familiarity but are bored with the sameness ?
That's why I said, maybe not. I don't think a new leash and doorjamb is the answer.
Then what is ?
I need to be in a relationship where the new doesn't threaten me and the old doesn't bore me.
I need to be able to look far, because if I can't, I will become myopic.
I need to nurture myself, because if I don't, I will stifle everything around me.
I need to need me, because if I don't, how will I recognize your need ?
Am I making sense to you, she asked?
Yes and no, he replied. Yes, I hear what you're saying. No, I don't understand whether I went wrong somewhere or you did.
Does it matter, she asked ?
Yes, he said. I don't t want the burden of losing you and causing it.
You are not the reason, she said. I am.
Are you saying so just to make me feel better ?
No, she said. I'm the villain of the piece. I'm the one who doesn't know to count her blessings.
Remember, he asked ? You always said I was like a pair of old boots to you. Comfortable, predictable, dependable. Disposable too ?
No, she sad. I have grown too big for my boots.