conversation between rain and a woman in denial

My job is to pour

It is not

To check if

You have an umbrella

I might be

Able to hold out

A bit

But not

Not pour

You’re being unreasonable

In scolding me

For doing

My job

You’re merciless

Hiding behind

Mandate

Pompous pourer

That you are

Don’t you know

We are all connected

Your action

Necessitates an action in me

Never mind it is equal

In intensity

Opposite in intent

Why are you taking

The moral high ground

I didn’t ask you

To wear your

Most expensive stilettos

Or to get your hair

Blow-dried

Or to not carry an umbrella

Oh no you didn’t

Why would you

Your job was to pour

And god forbid

Anyone who

Stops you from it

What are you bugged about?

That you look like

Something kitty brought in

On a  rainy day

(sorry pun intended)

Or that he dumped you

Without as much as

By your leave

Don’t you dare

drag him into this

He’s any day better

than you

sure he doesn’t pour

he only

turns tail

scum

did you see

him seeing you

get out of

your car

drenched

distraught

drubbed

no he never turned up

he has a lousy boss

must have held him up

did he tell you that

no he must be still with him

he will call when that satan lets him

have you called him

yes, I hate his ringtone

I wore stilettos

because he likes them

I wore a white dress

Because he likes it

But did you see the girl with him

She wore stilettos too

White dress too

But she wasn’t me, right

No I poured

So you could

See him clearly.

Mystic connections !

Auto Khali hai ?

Haan, Khali hai.

I want to go to jayanagar.

Sorry, I'm not going there.

I didn't ask you where you are going. I told you where I want to go.

But I'm not going there.

Why? Do you have a board that says where you're going ?

No. I'm not going there.

But your job is to go where I want to go, not the other way.

I'm not going there.

Not even if I pay you extra ?

One and a half times on the meter.

Why do you want extra ?

Because I won't get a passenger on my return.

How do you know ?

Because I know that area well.

Ok I will pay extra, take me there.

(Fifteen minutes later )

Why are you turning left ?

Didn't you say you want to go to jayanagar ?

Yes I did, but you have to turn right.

Oh ok, I'm not very familiar this side.

But you told me you know this area well?

I have forgotten.

(Ten minutes later )

You can stop here.

(As soon as auto stopped, another passenger climbed into the auto )

I will not pay you one and a half times the meter.

Why not? That's what we agreed on.

Yes that's because you said you won't get a return passenger. Now you have.

What is the connection ?

I don't know. You figure it out.

No gainsaying!

Do you want to go to Danish's house ?

Nope.

Do you want to go for a drive ?

Not really.

Should I get a DVD ?

There is nothing that I want to watch.

Shall we go for a walk ?

It looks like it will rain.

Feel like eating bhelpuri ?

I'm still stuffed from lunch.

Want to play Scrabble ?

What's the point? You lose miserably every time.

Let's make love ?

It's always when you want to,  isn't it ?

You have never told me till date when you want to .

What's the point ?

Meaning ?

Nothing.

No I want to know what you meant.

Nothing. Let's go for a walk.

When I asked you you said it was about to rain.

But it hasn't so far.

Wait, tell me what you meant.

Nothing. Let's go to Danish's house.

But you don't like his wife.

I don't like him either.

Then why do you want to go ?

Who said I do only things I like ?

Are you saying you don't like it when we make love ?

When did I say that ?

Is that what you're implying ?

Don't put words in my mouth.

What are we arguing about ?

I don't know..

Why don't you know ?

Why should I ?

One of us should.

Knowing is different from telling.

Are you saying you know but you won't tell ?

Tell what ?

I don't know. And I don't want to know.

flotsam and jetsam

I want to leave, she said.

Leave as in leave me, he asked ?

Yes, she said. I want to leave you.

Isn't it a bit sudden ?

Not really. It has been on my mind for a while.

Then why didn't you say something before ?

I didn't because I didn't know why I was unhappy.

So tell me, why are you unhappy ?

I feel like a dog leashed to a doorjamb.

Explain please. 

You have seen how Mocha behaves when we leash her. For the first few seconds, she is exploring, then she is preoccupied, then she gets bored, finally she  flops down with frustration.

The point being ?

Do you remember how she expresses all of this ?  She barks, whimpers, growls, she goes around in circles, she tugs at her leash, she jumps at us, she even argues with us.

Go on.

I think I know exactly how she feels. The leash and the doorjamb limit her world.

Are you saying you don't have enough freedom in our relationship ?

No, that is not what I am saying.

Then what are you saying ?

That I like the comfort of familiarity, but am bored with the sameness.

So you want a new leash, a new doorjamb ?

Maybe. Maybe not.

And what happens when you again like the comfort of familiarity but are bored with the sameness ?

That's why I said, maybe not. I don't think a new leash and doorjamb is the answer.

Then what is ?

I need to be in a relationship where the new doesn't threaten me and the old doesn't bore me.

I need to be able to look far, because if I can't, I will become myopic.

I need to nurture myself, because if I don't, I will stifle everything around me.

I need to need me, because if I don't, how will I recognize your need ?

Am I making sense to you, she asked?

Yes and no, he replied. Yes, I hear what you're saying. No, I don't understand whether I went wrong somewhere or you did.

Does it matter, she asked ?

Yes, he said. I don't t want the burden of losing you and causing it.

You are not the reason, she said. I am.

Are you saying so just to make me feel better ?

No, she said. I'm the villain of the piece. I'm the one who doesn't know to count her blessings.

Remember, he asked ? You always said I was like a pair of old boots to you. Comfortable, predictable, dependable. Disposable too ?

No, she sad. I have grown too big for my boots.

never again

365 days doesn’t seem too long

In the life

Of a human

But

When it makes the difference

Between

Glowing happiness

And mind-numbing misery

It perhaps

Defies calibration

Same time

Last year

I was all coiled up

Inward

Downward

Loathed me

With so much

Heat

I burnt myself out

And singed everyone

Around me

This morning

I looked

At myself in the mirror

The sparkle in my eyes

Lips curled in ready laughter

And I said to myself

Never again

soul, putrefied

Fear smells foul

I smell it on you

Every pore

Oozes with it

Are you afraid

All the harm you did

Will look for

Retribution ?

Are you afraid

That when God

Looks at your

Balance sheet

He will say

Even hell is too good

A place

For you?

Are you afraid

Even the flames

Will refuse contact

with your dead body

And kill themselves?

I will forgive you

For what you did to me

But not what you did to him

You made him your accessory

In hell

And manipulated him

In health

And now in sickness

Fear has a putrid smell

I smell it on you

island

I feel sorry

For your bankruptcy

This is an age

When you

Really

Should have

Opened your eyes each morning

To a day filled with

Sunshine and laughter

Instead

The smell of

Loveless death

Is permeating

How could you

Have not learned

To love

Pray pray

This shouldn’t be

Your curse again

Trade anything

But wangle this

This sense of inclusion

Don’t be an island

Forlorn

Forsaken

forgotten